Martian Brothel

Do you prefer your lovers to be out-of-this world? So do we. After all, we come from Mars. And iO9 comes from the future. Well, in this case… cums.

iO9 (one of the best subversive science blogs in the solar system) just published their Valentine’s Day guide to bedding that special someone from the other side of the galaxy. There are so many factors for intergalactic pick-up artists (I.P.U.A.s) to consider. Out here, in the best little whore house in the galaxy, we’ve seen everything: strange mating customs, unpleasant odors, emotional issues, awkward genital placement, dangerous anatomy, frighting fetishes, and extraterrestrial S.T.D.s. iO9 covers most of them.

But what we want to know is this: who would you screw? We have our top picks. If you’re not all hot and bothered over them, post your cosmic crushes in the comment section below. We want to know your fantasy:

5. Natasha Henstridge in Species

She’s the quintessential hot, crazy chick that you just can’t say no to, even though you know you should run away. Word to the wise: when a girl this smokin’ is interested in a schlep like you, there is something wrong with her… something very, very wrong.

For one, she’s on a mission for your seed to breed. And if that’s not enough to scare all you commit phobes away, you should see the way she kisses.

4. David Bowie in The Man Who to Fell to Earth

Oh, look. It’s another excuse to mention The Thin White Duke on my blog. I’ll take it. And him, please.

David Bowie’s role as the original alien sex fiend made my thighs tremble. He was sex and I’m not even sure if he was packing a gun down there… I guess some creatures don’t need that kind of gun, when they’re holding desire to your forehead like a crazed lover with a Colt 45. Come on, baby, just shoot me.

3. Iman in Star Trek 6

I knew David Bowie and Iman were really just a hot alien couple. Iman takes a lovely form as a shapeshifter in Star Trek 6. So lovely that she made Captain Kirk want to go where no man’s gone before.

Shapeshifters would theoretically make great lovers, since they can manifest into any form that pleases. Well, most of us probably couldn’t think of a form more pleasing than this:

2. Jeff Bridges in Starman

Green light, go. Yellow light, go very fast. Whatever, you want alien Jeff Bridges. There’s no way you can go too fast for me. Starman is a hunk, speaks softly and carries a big stick, makes stuff glow, and looks like your dead husband who you are still in love with. Plus, he wants to fill you with his starseed. This man is hotter than Venus and makes my cheeks redder than a Martian sunset.

Starman would have gotten number one, but he took off after scoring with our heroine, leaving that poor woman to raise his starchild alone. But I can forgive him, because this extraterrestrial still makes me extra frisky.

1. Jeff Goldblum in Earth Girls Are Easy

Are you a lonely, sex-starved girl living in SoCal looking for love in all the wrong places? Well, love often comes from the most unexpected corners of the universe, like a UFO full of humanoid hairballs that’s just crashed into your pool.

Now, I know that he’s kinda furry and weird, but keep an open mind and give him a chance… and  a makeover. There might actually be a hunk underneath all that blue fuzz:

Tall, dark, handsome, attentive, not afraid to commit to a lifetime with you on his flying saucer. Oh, and his touch is like magical double-rainbow pulsating through your body in multi-orgasmic colors. He doesn’t need to get you drunk or slip you drugs. This cosmic Casanova is a love drug, the original E — for makin’ us Earth girls easy.